Yesterday, I was riding in a car and my mind was drifting, as it does.
My eyes were fixed on a far away line of trees and then I noticed it - a bright blue dot in the midst of all that green. The dot, almost imperceptibly small, was only visible because of the contrast of the deep green surrounding it.
As I stared at the tiny blue dot, it suddenly popped brighter and then went out, leaving an absence, a dark dot in its place.
A moment later, I wondered if I just blew (or blue) out a pixel.
*Sometimes the most profound discoveries happen not when we're searching, but when we finally have the courage to stop running from ourselves.*
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I never imagined I'd be writing these words at 45 years old. After two decades of marriage, three children, a career, and what looked like a conventional life from the outside, I find myself in uncharted territory, recently separated and finally understanding something fundamental about who I am. I am non-binary.
The word feels both foreign and familiar on my tongue, like remembering a language I spoke in childhood but had forgotten. It's taken me four decades to find this language for something I've always known but never had words to express.
Quiet Discomfort
Looking back, the signs were always there—subtle but persistent, like a song playing just below the threshold of hearing. Throughout my marriage, through raising children, through building a life that checked all the expected boxes, there was always this quiet discomfort with the roles I was expected to inhabit.
It wasn't that I hated being seen as my assigned gender, but it never felt complete. Like wearing clothes that were almost the right size, functional, but never quite fitting properly. I found myself gravitating toward androgynous clothing when I could get away with it, feeling most comfortable in spaces where gender expectations were relaxed, and experiencing a strange sense of unease during conversations and topics that were very gendered.
For years, I attributed this feeling to being a "non-conformist" or simply having a personality that didn't fit traditional molds. I told myself everyone felt this way sometimes. But the feeling persisted, growing stronger rather than fading with age.
Unraveling
The end of my marriage wasn't directly about my gender identity, but the two journeys became intertwined in ways I'm still untangling. As they and I grew apart, I found myself questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. Who was I when I wasn't trying to fit into the shape of someone else's expectations? What did I actually want, versus what I thought I should want?
Living alone for the first time since college was terrifying and liberating in equal measure. Without the daily navigation of a relationship that had become more habit than connection, I had space, physical and emotional, to explore questions I'd been avoiding for years.
I started small. I thought about pronouns, since pronouns seem to be a liberating topic, and though I am very cognizant of pronoun use with others, my own really didn't matter to me. I tried new ways of dressing that felt more authentically me. I began paying attention to when I felt most comfortable in my own skin and when I felt like I was performing a role.
Moment of Recognition
The breakthrough came not with fanfare, but with a quiet sense of recognition while reading about non-binary experiences online. Someone described the feeling of being "between" traditional gender categories, and something clicked into place. It was like finally finding the right word for a color I'd been seeing my whole life but couldn't name.
I remember sitting in my small apartment, laptop open, tears streaming down my face, not from sadness, but from relief. The relief of recognition. The relief of knowing I wasn't broken or confused, just different in a way that had a name and a community.
I sent a text to a college friend. After some trepidation, I expressed to them how I was feeling, 'coming out' to them as non-binary. They told me that it made sense to them. They went on to tell me that I was very confusing when we hung out together in college. Sometimes, I was like a girlfriend and other times, I was more like a brother, but now it made sense.
Coming to terms with being non-binary at 45 hasn't been without its challenges. There's grief involved, grief for the years I spent not fully understanding myself, grief for the relationships that might have been different if I'd had this knowledge earlier, grief for the time I feel I've lost.
Unexpected Joy
What I didn't anticipate was the joy. The profound sense of coming home to myself. For the first time in my life since childhood, before the roles were demanded, I feel like I'm living authentically rather than performing a role. My relationships with friends and new people I meet feel more genuine because I'm showing up as my true self.
My family, spouse and children, continues to see me as they always have. I'm sure it will come up at some point, but this is more about my being comfortable with who I am rather than trying to make them see me differently. My parents are dead. My brother and sister live far from here and have their own lives. I feel sure they will accept me as they always have, but I'm in no rush for that conversation.
I've found community in unexpected places. Online forums, local LGBTQ+ groups, and even some younger non-binary individuals who've become mentors in this journey. Age, it turns out, is just one aspect of identity, and wisdom can flow in all directions.
Moving Forward
I won't pretend this journey is over or that every day is easy. I'm still learning, still growing, still figuring out what it means to live authentically at this stage of life. But I'm doing it with a sense of wholeness I've never experienced before.
To anyone reading this who sees themselves in my story, whether you're reaching for adulthood or retirement is in the rearview, know that it's never too late to discover who you truly are. Your identity is valid regardless of when you discover it. The courage to live authentically is always worth it, even when it's scary, even when it's complicated, even when it means starting over in some ways.
I'm 45 years old, recently separated, and non-binary. I'm also happier and more myself than I've ever been. Sometimes the most important journeys begin not when we're young and fearless, but when we're old enough to know that authenticity matters more than approval.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
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*If you're on your own journey of self discovery, remember: you are not alone, you are not too late, and you are worthy of living as your authentic self.*
For years, most of twenty, my 'friends,' acquaintances really, have come from three pools: work, Second Life, and people they knew.
Now, I don't talk to their people. I still have buds from work, but they are not friends outside the office, aside from the occasional team dinner function. That leaves Second Life, the sum total of my social life.
My best friends in SL numbered two, one guy and one bestie girlfriend. Now, she is getting married in SL so their attention and focus is on their S.O. (Completely understandable. Love is Love, after all). Their S.O. doesn't care for me, so, to avoid anything that could ever be construed as conflict, I take the lonely road and slip away when the couple are doing their lovey-dovey thing.
My guy friend is great and I enjoy his company, but there are times that I really need my bestie and now, I don't have her. Despite me needing her support and not feeling that I have it, I would be there for her in a moment, should she call.
That realization reminds me of how we supported each other before: me with my RL tears and her with SL tears and that makes me miss her even more.
I tried talking this out with my remaining friend, but, I didn't want to put this burden on him.
Maybe I need to talk to a therapist.
Starting a fashion blog can be a fun and exciting way to share your love of fashion with others. Here are some steps to help you get started:
1. Choose a niche: Before you start your fashion blog, think about what specific aspect of fashion you want to focus on. Whether it be street style, high fashion, sustainable fashion, or something else, having a niche will help you stand out in a crowded market.
Niche: Second Life Fashion
2. Pick a platform: Decide whether you want to start a blog on a platform like WordPress or Blogger, or if you want to use a social media platform like Instagram or YouTube to share your fashion content.
Platform: Blogger
3. Create your blog: Once you have chosen a platform, set up your blog by choosing a name, designing a layout, and creating a logo that reflects your personal style.
Blog Name: Pixelated Daydreams
4. Start creating content: Begin writing blog posts, taking photos, and creating videos that showcase your fashion sense and expertise. You can cover a range of topics like fashion trends, styling tips, product reviews, or personal outfits of the day.
Start Creating Content: YES
5. Promote your blog: Share your blog posts on social media, collaborate with other bloggers or brands, and engage with your audience to grow your reader base.
Promotion: Working
6. Monetize your blog: Once your blog has gained a following, you can start monetizing it through sponsorships, affiliate marketing, and ads.
Monetize: Coming Soon
Remember, starting a fashion blog takes time and dedication, so be patient and stay consistent with your content creation. Good luck!
Virtual sex has become increasingly popular in the digital age as technology has created new opportunities for people to connect and explore their sexuality in a safe and discreet way. However, it's important to recognize that virtual sex is essentially just mutual masturbation.
When two individuals engage in virtual sex, they are using technology such as video calls, messaging apps, or virtual reality to simulate sexual activity with each other. This can involve flirting, exchanging explicit messages or images, or even using sex toys to enhance the experience.
While virtual sex can be a fun and fulfilling way to explore your desires and connect with others, it's important to remember that it is not the same as physical intimacy. The sensations and emotions that come with face-to-face sexual encounters are simply not possible to replicate through a screen.
That being said, virtual sex can still be a valuable tool for maintaining sexual satisfaction in long-distance relationships, exploring fantasies, or simply spicing things up in the bedroom. As long as both parties are comfortable and consent is clearly communicated, there's no harm in enjoying some virtual fun.
Ultimately, virtual sex is just another form of sexual expression and can be a positive addition to your repertoire. As long as it's done safely and respectfully, there's no shame in indulging in a little virtual pleasure from time to time.
When it comes to sexy fashion staples, two items that always come to mind are short skirts and blue jeans. Both of these pieces have the ability to enhance a woman's figure and make her feel confident and alluring. But which one is truly sexier? Let's break it down.
Short skirts are a timeless and classic piece of clothing that have been in style for decades. They are versatile and can be dressed up or down depending on the occasion. Short skirts are great for showing off your legs and can make any outfit look more feminine and playful. The way the fabric flows around the body as you walk can be incredibly sexy and alluring.
On the other hand, blue jeans are a staple in almost every woman's wardrobe. They are comfortable, easy to wear, and can be styled in countless ways. Jeans hug your curves in all the right places and have a certain casual sexiness to them. The way they accentuate your hips and butt can make any woman feel confident and attractive.
When it comes to sexiness, both short skirts and blue jeans have their own unique qualities. Short skirts are flirty and feminine, while blue jeans are more laid back and casual. Ultimately, the sexiness of each piece comes down to personal preference and how you style them.
In conclusion, both sexy short skirts and sexy blue jeans have their own appeal and can make any woman feel confident and alluring. Whether you prefer the flirty and feminine look of a short skirt or the laid-back sexiness of blue jeans, it's all about rocking your outfit with confidence and attitude. So why choose one when you can rock both and exude confidence in your style choices. Ultimately, the sexiness lies in how you carry yourself and feel in your outfit.
